Silently
by CapeCodPhoenix
Summary: TW: Depression, Suicide Beca doesn't know how to talk about it.
1. Chapter 1

**TW: Suicide, Depression**

* * *

Beca watches Chloe and Aubrey, sitting on the couch, laughing, showing each other photos and videos on their phones. She watches as they talk and whisper and get wrapped up in their own little world, forgetting that Beca is there too. And Beca tries to figure out how to be a part of that, but she doesn't know how.

And so it goes like it always does, Beca just sits there and watches, she has nothing left to say, and it seems neither do they, at least not to Beca.

* * *

"I worry about you," Chloe says to Beca.

Beca nods. "I know."

"Talk to me, Becs," Chloe says.

"I want to," Beca says, "but I can't."

Beca doesn't know how to explain what goes on in her mind. How do you tell somebody who cares about you that you want to die? And even though the thoughts of different ways she could kill herself go through her mind all the time, she's only ever tried twice. Both times before she'd ever known Chloe or Aubrey or any of the Bellas. And even then, she'd had her best friend Olivia.

Because sure, Beca wants to die, but Beca knows there are people who care about her. Chloe. Aubrey. Olivia. Stacie. Jesse. Her parents. And she doesn't want to hurt those people. And her death, or even the mention of her death, would hurt them. So she tries to be happy. She puts on a smile, and some days she can almost convince herself she's okay.

But she can't talk to Chloe or anyone else about it. She doesn't know how.

* * *

"How are you, really?" Aubrey asks.

Beca shrugs non-committedly. "Alright," she says.

"Why just alright?" Aubrey asks.

Beca doesn't have an answer for her. She would have told her that everything's fine and she's good, but Aubrey would have seen right through her. To be fair, she's not okay by any standards, but there's no need to cause Aubrey to worry more than she already does.

* * *

Chloe and Aubrey have come to the radio station to visit Beca at work. There are things Beca still has to do, but for the most part, she tries to hang out with Chloe and Aubrey when they come to her workplace. But Chloe and Aubrey tend to just talk to each other when they visit Beca at work, which makes Beca wonder why they even bother coming in the first place.

They're showing each other pictures on their phones, and at first, Beca tries to join in, but after a few minutes, where they look uninterestedly at whatever photo Beca tries to show them, and go back to showing each other photos, Beca backs off and goes back to working.

This is part of the reason why she can't talk to them about any of this. It would kill them to know that they're part of the reason why she feels this way sometimes.

* * *

Beca looks at the pictures. Everybody seems so close, and then there's Beca. Always on the outside. Never as close to anybody as everybody else is, but never for a lack of trying. She wonders sometimes if the only reason she's even in any of the pictures is because none of them have the heart to tell her they don't want her there.

* * *

Beca stares at the pills in the bottle on the counter. The ones that are supposed to help her feel better. They don't. They never do. And they've tried her on countless different medications. None of them have ever helped.

She's never been great with pills, so she puts three in her hand, and chases it with a swig from the bottle of Smirnoff in her other hand. Three more. Smirnoff. Three more. Smirnoff. Three more and Smirnoff until the pills are all gone. She searches the place for any other medications she could take. She finds her old muscle relaxants and follows the same regiment. Tylenol. Advil. Any other pill she can find. Then she finishes what she can find in alcohol and lets sleep take her.


	2. Chapter 2

Beca wakes up with a wicked headache, but the first thing that runs through her mind is _It didn't work_.

She lets herself wallow silently in her failed suicide attempt, she doesn't quite understand how it didn't seem to do anything. She gives herself ten minutes and then she gets up and gets dressed. If she's not going to die today, she's got responsibilities she has to keep up with.

The best and worst part of the day is knowing that nobody even knows that she tried. She honestly has no plans to tell anybody, and it's good, even, that nobody knows. Because then they would worry and have her sent to the hospital, which makes everything worse. But then that means yet again that nobody noticed. Nobody noticed the numerous empty bottles lying around the Bellas house, or that their alcohol is gone.

 _Whatever_. Beca thinks. _It's for the best_.

* * *

Okay, so maybe it didn't do _nothing_ , Beca admits to herself. She's out with Stacie, getting lunch. She doesn't have much of an appetite right now, so she orders something small. Her head is still throbbing. She and Stacie are making small talk, but nothing close to a conversation she couldn't hold with a complete stranger. It's only a few minutes after finishing her lunch, that it all comes back up.

"Are you okay?" Stacie asks.

Beca nods. "Yeah." _No_. "Guess I'm sick."

Stacie takes Beca back to her dorm room, and Beca goes back to sleep.

* * *

When Beca wakes again, she's still got a massive headache, only now she's got a really bad pain in her stomach as well. Beca's never been able to deal with pain well.

It's just her luck that a knock sounds on her door. It takes her a minute, but she manages to get out of bed and open the door.

Chloe is smiling as usual, but her face contorts quickly into one of concern as she looks at Beca.

"Are you okay?" Chloe asks.

Beca shakes her head.

"Can you take me to the hospital?"

* * *

 _This was a terrible idea_ , Beca thinks as they're admitting her into the hospital. Beca _hates_ hospitals and doctors. She thinks they're incompetent. And they are.

But Beca's a wimp when it comes to physical pain. That's why she wanted to die in her sleep.

They have Beca hooked up to IVs and monitors, and Chloe looks completely freaked out, but Beca has been through this before, each of the last two times she's tried.

But Chloe doesn't know that this was intentional. Chloe doesn't know that she tried to kill herself. And Beca doesn't want to tell her, because Chloe sees all the good in the world. Where Beca sees the darkness of night, Chloe sees the brightness of the moon and the stars.

But Chloe is still there when the doctor asks what she took, and Beca knows that the only way they can know how to make the pain go away fastest is to know exactly what she took.

Beca hates herself for putting that look on Chloe's face.

* * *

Chloe calls, when they predictably force her into a mental hospital. She calls almost every day, except Tuesdays and Thursdays when she has class until well after they take the phones off the hook. She doesn't visit because she's really never free during visiting hours, which is okay by Beca, because she really doesn't want Chloe to see her in here.

Aubrey doesn't visit, doesn't call. Beca wonders if Aubrey even knows that she's here, but then, she thinks, Aubrey must know because Chloe knows and Chloe talks with Aubrey about everything.

 _Maybe it's for the best_ , Beca thinks.

* * *

Beca doesn't talk to any of the therapists or social workers, nor the psychologists or psychiatrists. She doesn't really talk to anybody except Chloe, her parents, and the nurses when she absolutely has to (Like _Hey, can I leave this stupid group, I need to use the bathroom_ , or most often, _No, I'm not going to that stupid group_.)

She supposes part of it is that she really doesn't like groups. Part of it is definitely that she doesn't trust anybody here. But more than that, she doesn't know what to say. And then, the rare times when she thinks she knows what to say, and even rarer times when she wants to say something, she opens her mouth, and she just can't get the words out.

* * *

Chloe comes to pick Beca up when the staff realizes that Beca isn't going to cooperate, and she's actually starting to get a little worse that longer she stays there. It also doesn't help that Beca can't eat most of their gross hospital food.

But Chloe doesn't know any of that. And Beca won't tell her.


End file.
